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Hurray for Hollywood

What would happen if the MMOG industry took over Hollywood? Misty "Beans" Matonis answers that question and freaks out film historians and critics.
by Misty "Beans" Matonis

There was a (slim) chance that a bunch of hobbits and elves were going to over-run Hollywood last night. And if you're a Tolkien fan, chances are, you would not have been disappointed. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring was the most nominated movie at last night's Oscar ceremony, and in typical Hollywood tradition, The Lord of the Rings won only four non-major categories.

Films based on fantasy rarely get any attention from the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Typically, the Academy only hands out awards such as Best Makeup or Best Visual Effects, such as they did with Lord of the Rings. The same can be said when it comes to movies based on games, if they even get nominated.

But, what if Hollywood really paid attention to the gaming industry. The MMOG industry alone would make excellent fodder for Tinsel Town magic. Heck, it practically mirrors it! Let's put on our "what if…" hats and see what Hollywood would be like if PK's and role-players became big-time Hollywood MMOGwood producers.

Redwood Street
Starring Michael Douglas

A young game designer (Charlie Sheen) is willing to do anything to become the best game designer in the world. He meets Recco (Douglas), a highly powerful player in the Industry. True to conglomerate form, Recco buys up promising gaming companies, lays off employees, and kills off promising game titles. Sheen's character becomes immersed in the power play until his father's game company becomes caught in the firestorm. Sheen risks it all to save not only his father's livelihood, but also his own soul.

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The Majestic
Starring Jim Carrey

Jim Carrey plays a mysterious game designer caught in a Web of intrigue that is not of his making. After running from rather intense men in black vans and helicopters, Jim discovers that he has been involved in designing a game based on a shadowy reality, and begins calling his home phone, leaving himself threatening messages.

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Startup.com
Starring almost any play-on-the-Web.com CEO

This exciting documentary tells the tale of an Internet-based gaming company bent on certain stardom and success. Watch closely as the executive officers spend lavishly on parties and $200 retractable pencils/PDA's, work marketing over-time, and jilt their best friends over the almighty dollar. Marvel at their fantastic showing at E3, and then ponder at how quickly they fail before they even launch one title.

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Hackers
Starring Jonny Lee Miller

Miller plays 0wz0r, a hot young hacker who takes particular enjoyment hacking into popular MMOGs and exploiting bugs. Banned from playing by the gaming developer, Miller enlists the help of several friends who have discovered that the gaming developer is about to unleash an even more addicting game for them to "pwn."

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The Client
Starring Tommy Lee Jones and Susan Sarandon

This sad and horrid tale of a young client in the wrong place at the right time on a game's launch pits Susan Sarandon against lawyer Tommy Lee in a battle against a mob of bugs and exploits inherent in the system. Ultimately, the client is found to be quite the challenge for Sarandon as she battles to protect it from the auspices of corruption and naysayers who insist that they do not want to "taxi to victory."

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Gods and Monsters
Starring Sir Ian McKellen and Brendan Fraser

Sir Ian plays Mr. Jimmy, a lonely game master of a popular online role-playing game, and Fraser plays Uguk, a hard-working blue-collar orc. Mr. Jimmy and Uguk strike up an unlikely friendship of pixels and shared dreams as Mr. Jimmy, stricken by carpal tunnel, reminisces about his past as a hot game master in the industry.

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Apocalypse Now
Starring Marlon Brando and Martin Sheen

A chilling tale of a man (Sheen) on a quest to find an evil exploiter (Brando) bent on playing by his own rules. Sheen travels deep into enemy territory, following hints and "seekrit" information provided by the corpses of Brando's unwilling victims with the intention of ending the exploiters reign once and for all. Along the way, Sheen discovers more about his character, namely, that he's been walking around with a -5 DEX flag and he lost the keys to his tower, and he tries to get a game master to fix it.

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Dogma
Starring a whole bunch of game producers

Kevin Smith's highly popular tale of a bunch of game producers hell-bent on sticking to their game bible. The producers discover that there are two bad "angels" trying to rain on their parade. The producers set out on a trek to stop the bad angels before they can do any real damage: exploiting this really "leet" hack that will raise them a level a minute so that they can enter this really "leet" dungeon with a lot of rares that they can sell on eBay.

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Go Fish
Starring Guinevere Turner and V.S. Brody

This heartwarming tale tells the story of two lesbian grandmaster fisherman who have nothing in common except for the fact that they are both lesbian and they both fish. Romance ensues when they both catch a kraken at the same time… and survive!

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Titanic
Or: The Game that was supposed to be really big and great, but sunk quicker than you could cast an e-bolt on a T3 connection
Or: The game that everyone thought was going to be THE GAME that sunk
Or: The Game that cost $200 million to make and still sunk
Or: Just the game that sunk

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On second thought, maybe Hollywood should stick to what it knows best. I'm not sure if I'd pay $9.95 to play any of these movies, even though I pay for it all the time.

Originally published on Stratics 3/23/02